A New Toy for Me...I mean Tarin

Last weekend Floyd went to spend time with his friend Rob Chaney (who he hadn't seen over 12 years).  I hadn't heard from Floyd on Sunday and it was getting to be one o'clock in the afternoon.  I'm not the type of wife that is going to get upset because my husband wasn't home yet.  I just simply wanted to know how soon he was going to be home so I could plan my day with Tarin.  Rob tells me that Floyd left about 20 minutes ago and that he had a surprise for us.  Now whenever Floyd is bringing home a surprise I immediatly ask the following...

1.  Is it alive and is it something that I am going to have to care for?

2.  How much did it cost or is it going to cost?

Answers were no and its taken care of, the cost was very cheap.

BIG SIGH of relief, we already have a small petting zoo!

3. Is it something for hunting, fishing or like that?

No...Rob says its suppose to be for Tarin but I think Floyd will be using it just as much.

Ok now my head is spinning and Floyd walks in grinning ear to ear...he tells Tarin and I to come out to the garage...he got a little pocket rocket motorcycle!

Both Tarin and Floyd have been like little kids at Christmas with their new toy.  I am excited too, Floyd and I both grew up with cycles and four-wheelers so its nice to be able to share with Tarin things we got to experience as kids.  We are both very proud of her, she has listened to the rules about riding and is getting more and more comfortable each day she rides.

Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul. ~Author Unknown

On Sleepness Nights and Worries

Tarin has recently been experience sleepless nights, which doesn't surprise me due to the fact that insomnia is a dominant gene on both sides of our families.   Floyd has always been a night owl,  his mom is up at all hours and my mother and I go through spurts of insomnia.  My feeling is she is too young to start going through this and there is no way we could synchronize our insomina.

The first night when Tarin comes in to tell me she has been awake for awhile and just can't sleep I quickly ask her if she the normal questions, did you have a bad dream?  Are you hungry/thirsty? Do you feel sick?  The answer is always no.  We get a drink from the kitchen and resort to the couch to be extra close to cuddle.  In a moonlit filled room all I can see is my daughter's big brown eyes...melts my heart.  So I press on...

Me: Tarin you know if there is something bothering you can talk to me and daddy.

Tarin: Yes I know but nothing is bothering me.  Just can't sleep.

Me: Ok. Are kids being mean to you?

Tarin: No I have great friends.

Me: Ok just know that I love you and I am here for you.

As we lay there and she finally falls asleep.  I feel a little relieved but still something just didnt' feel right, call it mother's intuition because that's what it was.  Next several nights she has slept through the night.

Last night 11/13 it was just the two of us home,  Floyd went to his friend's house for the night,  I don't sleep well when Floyd is not here partly due to I like having the house all to myself after Tarin goes to bed.  Don't get me wrong I miss Floyd and love the time I have with Tarin but everyone needs some "me time".  I got a lot of housework done and was on the computer, it was about 2am and here comes my girl...bright eyed!

Tarin: Mom I can't sleep again.  I've tried but I just can't.

I quickly repeat the questions I asked before and its the same answers. 

Me: Ok let's go get in my bed.

Tarin: Great!

We get in bed and she let's out a sigh that just tells me something is wrong.

Me: Tarin what's bothering you?

Tarin: well no one will sit with me on the bus and I don't know why. 

Me: What about Brandy, Nathan, or Alisha?

Tarin: Brandy rides in the afternoon and she sits with me but no one sits with me in the morning.  Alisha only sits with other 6th graders and doesn't talk to me.  Nathan won't tell me what I did to him.  He puts his fingers in his ears and hums when I try to talk to.

Me: well then they are worth having as friends.  Alisha is older and its probably "uncool" to have a younger friend.  Nathan he's a boy and its hard telling. 

Tarin: I think Nathan doesn't like me because I said  Christmas wasn't my favorite holiday, Halloween is.  I like that I get to dress up and go Trick or Treating, its fun.  He said I was evil and goth and hasn't sat with me since then.

Me: You know you are not evil or goth.  I'm proud that you don't say Christmas is your favorite holiday.

Tarin: (she interrupts me) Mom most kids say Christmas is their favorite holiday because they LOVE to get gifts.  I like to get gifts but its about spending time with your family, you and Daddy have taught me that.

At this moment I couldn't be proud of my daughter...I thought wow Floyd and I are doing a good job at parenting.

Tarin continues: I love the decorations and getting to play in the snow but I'm not going to say Christmas is my favorite holiday just because we get gifts like all the other kids say.

Me: I am so proud of you!  You can't let other kids bring you down because of your opinions.  They are yours and they have theirs!  I wouldn't be upset that no one sits with you in the mornings,  use that time to read your book or write. Kids who are mean aren't worth getting upset over, you are not missing out on anything.  If it gets any worse then you let us know right away and we will work something else out.

Tarin: Thanks mom! I do feel better.  I'm thankful to have you and daddy as my parents...you're the best!

By now its 3:30am and I'm in tears.  Damn kids...I've always worried about "mean" kids.  I hope that this is the worst of it because I know just how mean kids can be and in today's society they are even meaner and nastier.  I'm so proud that Tarin is who she is and has tried not to let others influence her.  Even at 8 years old she is a strong girl and I have no doubt that she will be a strong woman.  I will do what I can to protect her of course, even if we have to start taking her to school in the mornings.  I want her to stick it out and see if she can get pass no one sitting with her.  I try to make her see the postitive side of things.

Of all the haunting moments of motherhood, few rank with hearing your own words come out of your daughter's mouth. ~Victoria Secunda

Where's Tarin?

November Sunsets

I can't ever seem to find the right words to describe our view of the lake especially with the sunsets that we have captured in pictures.  There is no sunset like the one before.  It never gets old to look out the window or walk down to the seawall to watch the sun say good night and fall delicately behind the horizon.  I must say its also nice to have those few romantic moments with my husband.  Whoever sees the sunset first calls for the other and instantly melt into each others arms.  Tarin loves them too...she runs down to the seawall to watch. 

Softly the evening came. The sun from the western horizon

Like a magician extended his golden wand o'er the landscape;

Twinkling vapors arose; and sky and water and forest

Seemed all on fire at the touch, and melted and mingled together.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Evangeline (pt. II, sec. II)

Trick or Treat

This year Tarin wanted to be a hippy for Halloween, which was surprising to me. I just didn't think she would say hippy when I asked her what she wanted her costume to be.

This was her first costume that was returned due to stitches coming out.  I probably could have fixed it but with only a few days before Trick or Treat we decided to return it.  After inspecting the same costumes they were all defected and Tarin opted for the costume you see in the remaining pictures.

Bumblebee Megan and Hippy Tarin

Megan, Tarin and Olivia werewolf who we almost didn't recognize!

Shadows of a thousand years rise again unseen,

Voices whisper in the trees, "Tonight is Halloween!"

~Dexter Kozen

Cervical Cancer

2005 was a big year for me, at the age of 25 I was planning my wedding, found out we were going to be expecting our 2nd child only to miscarry in late February.  I thought it was the hardest thing I was going to go through in my life.  I was 9 weeks when I miscarried, the best and worst part about the whole thing was getting to see my ever so tiny baby's heartbeat.  I've held on to that everyday.  As many of you know the trials and grief that you go through with a miscarriage, mine would soon be taken over with the worry of fighting for my own life.  Not too be dramatic but you never the outcome when cancer is involved.

Floyd and I went on with planning our wedding and was married on April 16th, it was the best day! Beautiful weather for an outdoor wedding.  I had been going through testing since the miscarriage, doctor's believed my cervix was to blame and in the end it was.  The cervical dysplasia was rapidly changing so coloposcoies and leeps were ordered every few weeks.  Finally in late May the doctor gave me 3 options...because well cancer was going to give me a run for my body!

1st option- get pregnant and we (doctors) will see how thing progress.  I remembering looking at Floyd and he said it's up to you but I don't think we should risk it.  My thoughts exactly.  What if the cancer progress's through the pregnancy and I lose the baby further long in the pregnancy.  Not a risk I was going to take and then where would that put me, Floyd and Tarin.  What if I did carry the baby to full term and still ended up with cancer.  I couldn't leave Floyd to care for a 3 year old, a newborn and me.  This option just had too many what ifs and the answer to each of them scared me even more each time I thought about it.

2nd option-let the cells progress, continue with the clopo's and leeps and see just how quickly the cancer grows and fight it with the necessary treatment.  I asked the doctor well how soon do you think I will have be at the stage of treatment?  He replies 2 months to a year.  Now wait a minute...I'm not going to just sit around and wait for this horrible disease to take me down.  Why is this an option?!?!?  Nope sorry doc I've already been through months of testing and the results aren't getting better.  Not too mention that while all this is going on its hard to be intimate with my husband.  I won't go into details but enough is enough and I need my body back.  Besides where would this leave me?  I just knew that I was going to have to go through treatment if we opted to wait it out.  Being only 25 I'm sure I would bounce back but this is cancer not the flu.  Treatments would leave me weak and I have a 3 year old who needs her mommy and a husband who needs his wife.  And I needed myself!

3rd option (THE BEST)- have a hysterectomy.  I still wonder why this wasn't my first option but I know doctor's like to give options.  Now this meant that I would no longer have the option to be pregnant.  Floyd and I agreed right away.  Doctor said to go home think about it.  I would get to keep my ovaries unless the cancer has spread to them.  I still remember the car ride home, Floyd had held my hand the entire doctor's visit and all the way home.  He held me as we talked more about our decision.  He supported me in whatever feelings I was having, he let me cry, he let me get mad, and he was ok with not having anymore children with me.  We have one and she's a blessing!  So we made the call back to the doctor.

Surgery was scheduled August 5th. No more testing except pre-op, which I found out that my heart is positioned backwards, the EKG kept reading that I had suffered a heart attack. But a stress test and echo-cardiogram showed the positioning of my heart and I have a valve that tends to not close properly. I experience chest pains when this happens, it doesn't last long but by chance it lasts longer than 12 minutes and I have shortness of breath I am to go to ER.  It should correct itself later in life...meaning menopause! Luckily for me my pre-op nurse was a wonderful friend of the family and she kept me comfortable and even let Floyd stay with me longer than I think he was suppose to.  This was my first surgery that I was completely out for.  Surgery went well and the outcome was I was in Stage 1B.  Not only was my cervix completely covered but uterus too.  Good news I get to keep my ovaries, which are now worthless besides keeping my hormones in check so I won't go through menopause at the age of 25.  After a few days in the hospital and about 2 weeks with only seeing Tarin once, it was time to start healing not only my body but me!

I went through such an arrange of emotions and still do.  On one hand I am thankful to be a cancer survivor and live my life with my husband and get to watch my daughter grow! But on the other hand I feel like I am less of a woman not getting to be pregnant and to be a mom to more children.  I envy those women who get to continue to experience that.  Some days it doesn't bother me at all.  I am very happy with my life.  Floyd and I have talked about adoption.  We also talk about what we will do in 10 years when Tarin goes off to college and it will just be the two of us.  I am thankful to have my 1 beautiful child but that longing for the excitement of a new baby still pulls.  Sometimes hearing other mom's talk about their sleepless nights and tiring days makes me feel left out.  I also no longer can relate to the monthly nuisance of womanhood.  I will admit that its also hard to hear of new friend's and family announcing their expecting.  Deep down I get so angry for even being the tiniest bit jealous. When in fact I am so excited for them.  I have to remind myself that  its ok because this just means I can babysit, spoil the little ones with all the love I have and send them home.  Any chance I get to hold a baby makes me thankful that I am alive and heathly.  I don't want people to shield me from their pregnancy or feel sorry for me, it is true what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.  Even though some days I don't feel that strong at all.  I can see a new mother in the store and not have the slightest bit of jealous or tears.  The next day a baby on tv will have me in tears.  I'm sure its all hormonal as many things are with us women. 

I've learned so many things with this battle of disease, confusion of why me, what do I do now and have learned that I'm going to be just fine.  I am a very lucky lady to have a wonderful, loving husband and 1 very beautiful daughter!  I am very thankful to have my health and life, to be able to experience whatever may come my way. Proud to be a 5 year cervical cancer survivor!

My heart goes out to all those cancer fighters and survivors.  May you continue to fight a good fight, not a day goes by that I don't think about all those people who are inflicted with some form of this horrible disease.  May God hold us all close and we feel the warmth of his stregnth and love.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. ~Eleanor Roosevelt