Cervical Cancer

2005 was a big year for me, at the age of 25 I was planning my wedding, found out we were going to be expecting our 2nd child only to miscarry in late February.  I thought it was the hardest thing I was going to go through in my life.  I was 9 weeks when I miscarried, the best and worst part about the whole thing was getting to see my ever so tiny baby's heartbeat.  I've held on to that everyday.  As many of you know the trials and grief that you go through with a miscarriage, mine would soon be taken over with the worry of fighting for my own life.  Not too be dramatic but you never the outcome when cancer is involved.

Floyd and I went on with planning our wedding and was married on April 16th, it was the best day! Beautiful weather for an outdoor wedding.  I had been going through testing since the miscarriage, doctor's believed my cervix was to blame and in the end it was.  The cervical dysplasia was rapidly changing so coloposcoies and leeps were ordered every few weeks.  Finally in late May the doctor gave me 3 options...because well cancer was going to give me a run for my body!

1st option- get pregnant and we (doctors) will see how thing progress.  I remembering looking at Floyd and he said it's up to you but I don't think we should risk it.  My thoughts exactly.  What if the cancer progress's through the pregnancy and I lose the baby further long in the pregnancy.  Not a risk I was going to take and then where would that put me, Floyd and Tarin.  What if I did carry the baby to full term and still ended up with cancer.  I couldn't leave Floyd to care for a 3 year old, a newborn and me.  This option just had too many what ifs and the answer to each of them scared me even more each time I thought about it.

2nd option-let the cells progress, continue with the clopo's and leeps and see just how quickly the cancer grows and fight it with the necessary treatment.  I asked the doctor well how soon do you think I will have be at the stage of treatment?  He replies 2 months to a year.  Now wait a minute...I'm not going to just sit around and wait for this horrible disease to take me down.  Why is this an option?!?!?  Nope sorry doc I've already been through months of testing and the results aren't getting better.  Not too mention that while all this is going on its hard to be intimate with my husband.  I won't go into details but enough is enough and I need my body back.  Besides where would this leave me?  I just knew that I was going to have to go through treatment if we opted to wait it out.  Being only 25 I'm sure I would bounce back but this is cancer not the flu.  Treatments would leave me weak and I have a 3 year old who needs her mommy and a husband who needs his wife.  And I needed myself!

3rd option (THE BEST)- have a hysterectomy.  I still wonder why this wasn't my first option but I know doctor's like to give options.  Now this meant that I would no longer have the option to be pregnant.  Floyd and I agreed right away.  Doctor said to go home think about it.  I would get to keep my ovaries unless the cancer has spread to them.  I still remember the car ride home, Floyd had held my hand the entire doctor's visit and all the way home.  He held me as we talked more about our decision.  He supported me in whatever feelings I was having, he let me cry, he let me get mad, and he was ok with not having anymore children with me.  We have one and she's a blessing!  So we made the call back to the doctor.

Surgery was scheduled August 5th. No more testing except pre-op, which I found out that my heart is positioned backwards, the EKG kept reading that I had suffered a heart attack. But a stress test and echo-cardiogram showed the positioning of my heart and I have a valve that tends to not close properly. I experience chest pains when this happens, it doesn't last long but by chance it lasts longer than 12 minutes and I have shortness of breath I am to go to ER.  It should correct itself later in life...meaning menopause! Luckily for me my pre-op nurse was a wonderful friend of the family and she kept me comfortable and even let Floyd stay with me longer than I think he was suppose to.  This was my first surgery that I was completely out for.  Surgery went well and the outcome was I was in Stage 1B.  Not only was my cervix completely covered but uterus too.  Good news I get to keep my ovaries, which are now worthless besides keeping my hormones in check so I won't go through menopause at the age of 25.  After a few days in the hospital and about 2 weeks with only seeing Tarin once, it was time to start healing not only my body but me!

I went through such an arrange of emotions and still do.  On one hand I am thankful to be a cancer survivor and live my life with my husband and get to watch my daughter grow! But on the other hand I feel like I am less of a woman not getting to be pregnant and to be a mom to more children.  I envy those women who get to continue to experience that.  Some days it doesn't bother me at all.  I am very happy with my life.  Floyd and I have talked about adoption.  We also talk about what we will do in 10 years when Tarin goes off to college and it will just be the two of us.  I am thankful to have my 1 beautiful child but that longing for the excitement of a new baby still pulls.  Sometimes hearing other mom's talk about their sleepless nights and tiring days makes me feel left out.  I also no longer can relate to the monthly nuisance of womanhood.  I will admit that its also hard to hear of new friend's and family announcing their expecting.  Deep down I get so angry for even being the tiniest bit jealous. When in fact I am so excited for them.  I have to remind myself that  its ok because this just means I can babysit, spoil the little ones with all the love I have and send them home.  Any chance I get to hold a baby makes me thankful that I am alive and heathly.  I don't want people to shield me from their pregnancy or feel sorry for me, it is true what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.  Even though some days I don't feel that strong at all.  I can see a new mother in the store and not have the slightest bit of jealous or tears.  The next day a baby on tv will have me in tears.  I'm sure its all hormonal as many things are with us women. 

I've learned so many things with this battle of disease, confusion of why me, what do I do now and have learned that I'm going to be just fine.  I am a very lucky lady to have a wonderful, loving husband and 1 very beautiful daughter!  I am very thankful to have my health and life, to be able to experience whatever may come my way. Proud to be a 5 year cervical cancer survivor!

My heart goes out to all those cancer fighters and survivors.  May you continue to fight a good fight, not a day goes by that I don't think about all those people who are inflicted with some form of this horrible disease.  May God hold us all close and we feel the warmth of his stregnth and love.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. ~Eleanor Roosevelt